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| (Thank you to "Showing Up for Racial Justice" aka SURJ on facebook for this image.) |
I'll cut right to the chase. I need better from you than, "I'm not one of THOSE white people." I need better than, "How could he do that?" My fellow white people, take a stand. Stay in close. Don't let your fear or anxiety or need to be right or confusion or discomfort or tiredness or boredom or sense of "betterness" or self righteousness or "I'm not one of THOSE white people" or whatever you are feeling get in the way. The massacre in Charleston happened because of racism and white supremacy. This is not one individual who is sick--the society and the system, are sick. We must change it.
And since we HAVEN'T changed it, no one can honestly be surprised this happened, given the continuation of disgusting and heartbreaking lies we are told about people of African heritage, from every venue, in every school, nearly every media source, in every history book, subtly and outright... We will continue to have our hearts broken with such events as long as we continue to avert our eyes, do nothing, and stay silent.
So whatever we are feeling, thinking, wanting, white folks, let's get in touch with that, and OWN IT. Let's start honestly from where we are and go from there--seek help, education, information, healing, etc, whatever you need so we can have you in this fight. Seek connection, and if you do it wrong, or not so great, and you are lucky enough to have someone's trust in you that they TELL you that, be brave, say "I'm sorry. Truly sorry. Please give me another chance. Can you help me understand what I can do better next time? If not, I will try my best to figure it out on my own." And not in a pleading way, in a STRONG way. A DETERMINED way. As in, a "I'm committed to this, to ending racism, to ending my own racism, to our liberation hand-in-hand from this racism." Not in a way that makes someone feel they need to take care of you--in a way that shows YOU will take care of yourSELF.
Because we need you, we need you full, and honest, and trying, and coming back even when you try and fail. We need you to see through the BS we've all been fed every day of our lives here in the United States of America. We need you working on your stuff. We need you with us. We need you screaming and crying about how much these losses hurt your heart and torment your mind--because they DO hurt us, all of us--many of us have just been taught to turn it off, keep it down, suppress it all, or to feel guilty about oh-so-many privileges and whatnot, or helpless, both of which make us numb, and all of which make things we do and say all come out sideways, or which makes us walk away. Don't. You have to feel your own hurt. You have been hurt by racism. You are hurt by it. No one escapes. See that, know that, feel that, grieve that, rage at that, deeply, thoroughly, with the company of other white folks. With others you know and trust and who say it's ok for you to do that with them. Then you can think about solidarity.
Here is an example of transparency and working on my own racism: After learning about the Charleston shooting and speaking with someone about it (raging and hurting about it), I found myself saying, "Who are his parents? What did they teach him??" This was a kind of surface level couple questions, to say the least--but what I realized in uttering them in a self-work process that was intentionally without filters, was that when I have heard about black youth committing any kind of crime, I have not generally wondered the same thing. I have not wondered about the nature or failings of the parents who raised those youth. In fact, I automatically assumed that this white 21-year-old who committed this massacre has parents, whereas I don't assume that of black young people--I more readily think, "Oh, parents or, caregiver--grandparent, older sibling maybe..." It's this weird urban liberal not-really-awareness bullsh** that's sunk into me. Why? I'm conditioned to believe, "Black folks have broken families," and "That's just what black folks do," and "That's just how black folks raise their kids."
UGH. Do I ACTUALLY believe all that? No! Of course not! In fact, I am SURROUNDED by examples to the contrary!!! But do I actually BELIEVE that? Dammit, the ugly truth is that in the subconscious, unconscious--whatever unworked-on part of my mind, apparently, that message is there. See? I absorbed the awful lies too, without even knowing it until something came up to make me look it in the face. It wasn't my fault they got in there. I never wanted them there. I hate that they're in there. But now that they're in there, every time I see it, I want that sh** kind of thinking out of my head--Do you know what I mean? That stuff is EVERYwhere. Even in those of us who work every day to see it, condemn it, call it out, change it, prevent it... It's still in there. I will keep doing the outer work, and I will keep doing the inner work, and I will be as honest as I can with myself about where my mind is and what my thoughts and beliefs and actions are based on as I do it.
So isn't it scary, or risky, or dangerous, or something, to bring these honest thoughts out into the open? Sure, yeah, I guess. But the deeper we hide these things, the deeper into us they get. And I am tired of that. Tired of hiding and tired of doing the work alone. I am working on it. I am trying, and sometimes I fail, but I am trying again. I am not perfect, and I hate admitting that, because I sure like the feeling (illusion) that I'm perfect, and that I'm right!--it's a white Protestant thing, I think--but I'm not. So, a call for greater awareness, internal, and external. A call to admit our faults, at the very least to ourselves (and ideally to other white friends). Note: I am not advocating for using friends/family/acquaintances/co-workers/neighbors of color as sounding boards for our process, here. If you want to do that, I think you should ask permission first. (See above concept about apologizing and not making someone take care of you, etc.)
We must be vigilant against the messages and actions and patterns and systems of racism and fight them alongside others committed to the fight, and proceed with what we know is true and just.
Thank you to the many teachers and guides and healers in my life, formal and informal, who have helped me understand and who continue to help me See. These insights come with intentional effort on my part and the faith and trust of many others. I hope I am honoring the path you have lit for me.
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CBF (Carly Frintner)
June 18, 2015
