A Post on Abuse, and What We Can Do to Prevent It

In the wee hours of this morning, after reading a bit about male privilege, I found a blog: http://amptoons.com/blog/2006/06/09/how-commonly-are-men-beaten-up-by-intimate-partners/

I decided to submit a post to the page.  I guess it has not yet been reviewed or accepted, because it is not appearing, but either way, I wanted to share here what I wrote.  It's been edited just slightly:

I am a 30-year-old woman who was raised by a strong, feminist mother, strong grandmothers, and a father and grandfathers who very much respected the power and strength of their partners.  I grew up spending a lot of time at collating sessions for the National Organization for Women, learning about women's history, marching in pro-choice rallies, and so on.  I have been an advocate for human rights formally and informally for all my life, professionally and socially, in ways large and small.  (I also was taught to love and respect my fellow human beings, in fact, to do so sometimes even beyond rationality and to the sacrifice of my own wellbeing, so deeply did those around me believe and want to believe in the power of love and the goodness of people--the men and women influential in my upbringing all did this themselves.  There is a lot of good to be said for that, but it turns out the world is not wholly safe for such behavior because it is often not understood, valued, respected, or returned.  Undoubtedly they knew this themselves in some ways, or maybe they did not, or the world was different then, or something.  Anyway, I ended up learning this the hard way through several difficult relationships.  Now I much better understand what self-love and self-care look like, and thankfully, I have a (male) partner who encourages this in me and practices it himself, but some days, it is still a struggle for me to put myself first in a way that ends up being the healthiest choice for me and those who rely on me in my life.)

That said, I spoke with a police officer in Williamstown, NJ one afternoon about a year ago who told me that he estimated the number of reports to police and police responses to domestic violence was about 40% from men reporting abuse and attacks on them by women, and 60% from women reporting abuse and attacks from men.  (I’m not sure what percentage were same-gender abuse and so on.)  I was shocked at how close the numbers were.  I expected maybe 10% vs. 90%.  Also, when listening to a special report on NPR, I learned that more men than women have been and continue to be sexually assaulted in the US military.  Of course, there have been and continue to be FAR more men than women in the US military, so that would makes sense, but with recent attention to rape in the military, most of what I've heard focuses on women.  My whole thinking was framing things with this focus in mind.  And then I hear a report that there are more men suffering sexual abuse than women in this context.  I had to backtrack and correct more than a few assumptions and thought patterns in my mind.

The point of this is that, abuse in our world is widespread and reaches and affects everyone.  And there are very concrete things we can do to not just end, but prevent this from continuing to be true.

I want to take a minute and say that as much as I hate to admit it, typically, women are smaller and not as physically strong as men, and also, we have vaginas, which are, for better or worse, rather easily penetrable.  (Sometimes that makes me want to take martial arts, weight lift seriously, and wear a chastity belt for protection, just in case, when I'm out and about—slightly kidding here--but ultimately, so far, I have not done that.)  Anyway, please remember that men can, of course, be sexually and otherwise assaulted in other, but also humiliating, painful, and traumatizing ways as well.  And I have known a few men of smaller stature who were not very muscular who were attacked by other men in muggings.  Not to get off topic there, just to share some experiences there for the sake of mind-opening.

I live in a major city where I see verbal and emotional abuse of people every day.  You know who are the ones who are most obviously, most publicly the recipients of this abuse?  Children.  I witnessed a black father holler at his 3-year old kid that he was a "stupid n----r" over and over again because the kid started to run out into the street.  I saw three adults with a couple other kids drag a girl age 7-9 toward a bus when she didn't want to go, and when she sat down on the ground they kept dragging her, and then started kicking her as she lay on the ground while she was screaming and crying.  I've seen parents and caregivers yell at kids, hit kids, make them cry just for singing, or for saying something repeatedly, or for asking for something.  I've seen adults humiliate kids or threaten to humiliate them ("I'll pull your pants down in front of the whole bus if you don't stop....!" said to a kid who was 3 or 4.)  When children of any gender grow up with these kinds of expectations and experiences about human interaction, when their young hearts full of emotion and questions and met with daily injustice, disrespect, and violation in so many ways, it is no wonder so many people behave similarly when they are older.  Fortunately we can choose who to be, despite this kind of disrespect and abuse--and because of it.  The more support we give and are given toward this end, the easier it is to choose to be good and do good.

I certainly don't mean to distract from the awful realities women face around the world.  I have studied and been deeply personally affected by many of them.  But what I have come to conclude is that a society in which men respect rather than abuse women is one in which all people will respect rather than abuse each other, no matter what part of their identity we are focusing on.

Yes, it is important to make adequate space for each experience to stand on its own, ie, if a woman is seeking counsel having just been abused by a male partner, she doesn't need to be reminded in the moment about the suffering of men at the hands of women abusers—unless this is in some way helpful to her.  She should have the time and space needed to process and heal from her experience however she can.

However, I believe too that ultimate and whole healing of the individual and society comes through shared experiences, through connection, through the opening of the mind and heart.  Feeling alone with your pain can make the pain even worse.  Feeling like no one understands is horrible.  No matter what our gender, ultimately I believe in the importance of sharing our stories--from all sides.  Statistically, the vast, vast majority of those who abuse others have been abused themselves.  In fact, the vast majority of people who abuse others were themselves abused as children.  Therefore I consider that the easiest place to start to change all this may very well be to create a world in which kids of any gender are always treated with love, respect, patience, and dignity by adults they can trust.  Learning such behavior from an early age will make it more likely to be practiced throughout their lives.  It may also make it more likely for them to recognize and confront injustice and abuse when they see it.

This is but one part my personal experience and opinion, delivered in a limited context, and with respect and deepest love.  I welcome your responses and dialogue.  For a broader understanding of where I'm coming from, keep visiting http://lovewantstoreachout.blogspot.com/ or be in touch directly at lovewantstoreachout@gmail.com

Thank you for reading.