Show Me That You Love Me

"Show Me That You Love Me" (from the 3-day poetry expression challenge; thanks to Mai Sankofa Spann-Wilson)
--
There will be a day
when my body says,
"No more,"
When what was self-inflicted,
internalized,
suppressed,
demands a voice at last
beyond the discomfort of diseased skin,
beyond the mental haze and emotional swings of sugar aftermath,
beyond the unintended passive aggressiveness
that breaks my heart soon as the words escape my lips,
making me mute beyond apology,
masking bridled, smothered, smoldering rage.
I have only started to name you, feelings:
This one Sadness;
This one Loneliness;
This one Grief;
This one Disappointment;
This one Confusion;
This one Discouragement;
This one Anger--
Thinking them ugly and unwanted,
I have hidden them away,
hungry, unheard--
This one Hope...?
Yes, I suppose, some days I have hope.
It is fleeting, most times,
But sometimes I can go a whole poem really feeling it,
Hope.
Yes sometimes, I can almost hold it,
Hope.
I once had a simple poster,
unframed, pinned to my bedroom wall:
God's hands lifting
all of the living world
from a seemingly calm, yet perhaps threatening sea;
Sometimes I could look into that image
and see me.
Sometimes I am rescued,
Sometimes rescuer,
Seeking a landing place for this vibrant chunk of dripping earth,
Someplace of refuge,
Someplace of safety,
Someplace where the waters of my emotions run free,
and my body doesn't have to hold it anymore,
and thanks me.
--CBF 8/14/15

Response to the Charleston Massacre, and White People's Legacy of Violence in the US

(Thank you to "Showing Up for Racial Justice" aka SURJ on facebook for this image.)


Dear Fellow White Folks,


I'll cut right to the chase.  I need better from you than, "I'm not one of THOSE white people." I need better than, "How could he do that?" My fellow white people, take a stand. Stay in close. Don't let your fear or anxiety or need to be right or confusion or discomfort or tiredness or boredom or sense of "betterness" or self righteousness or "I'm not one of THOSE white people" or whatever you are feeling get in the way. The massacre in Charleston happened because of racism and white supremacy. This is not one individual who is sick--the society and the system, are sick. We must change it.


And since we HAVEN'T changed it, no one can honestly be surprised this happened, given the continuation of disgusting and heartbreaking lies we are told about people of African heritage, from every venue, in every school, nearly every media source, in every history book, subtly and outright... We will continue to have our hearts broken with such events as long as we continue to avert our eyes, do nothing, and stay silent.


So whatever we are feeling, thinking, wanting, white folks, let's get in touch with that, and OWN IT. Let's start honestly from where we are and go from there--seek help, education, information, healing, etc, whatever you need so we can have you in this fight. Seek connection, and if you do it wrong, or not so great, and you are lucky enough to have someone's trust in you that they TELL you that, be brave, say "I'm sorry. Truly sorry. Please give me another chance. Can you help me understand what I can do better next time? If not, I will try my best to figure it out on my own." And not in a pleading way, in a STRONG way. A DETERMINED way. As in, a "I'm committed to this, to ending racism, to ending my own racism, to our liberation hand-in-hand from this racism." Not in a way that makes someone feel they need to take care of you--in a way that shows YOU will take care of yourSELF.


Because we need you, we need you full, and honest, and trying, and coming back even when you try and fail. We need you to see through the BS we've all been fed every day of our lives here in the United States of America. We need you working on your stuff. We need you with us. We need you screaming and crying about how much these losses hurt your heart and torment your mind--because they DO hurt us, all of us--many of us have just been taught to turn it off, keep it down, suppress it all, or to feel guilty about oh-so-many privileges and whatnot, or helpless, both of which make us numb, and all of which make things we do and say all come out sideways, or which makes us walk away. Don't. You have to feel your own hurt. You have been hurt by racism. You are hurt by it. No one escapes. See that, know that, feel that, grieve that, rage at that, deeply, thoroughly, with the company of other white folks. With others you know and trust and who say it's ok for you to do that with them. Then you can think about solidarity.


Here is an example of transparency and working on my own racism: After learning about the Charleston shooting and speaking with someone about it (raging and hurting about it), I found myself saying, "Who are his parents? What did they teach him??" This was a kind of surface level couple questions, to say the least--but what I realized in uttering them in a self-work process that was intentionally without filters, was that when I have heard about black youth committing any kind of crime, I have not generally wondered the same thing. I have not wondered about the nature or failings of the parents who raised those youth. In fact, I automatically assumed that this white 21-year-old who committed this massacre has parents, whereas I don't assume that of black young people--I more readily think, "Oh, parents or, caregiver--grandparent, older sibling maybe..." It's this weird urban liberal not-really-awareness bullsh** that's sunk into me. Why? I'm conditioned to believe, "Black folks have broken families," and "That's just what black folks do," and "That's just how black folks raise their kids."


UGH. Do I ACTUALLY believe all that? No! Of course not! In fact, I am SURROUNDED by examples to the contrary!!!  But do I actually BELIEVE that? Dammit, the ugly truth is that in the subconscious, unconscious--whatever unworked-on part of my mind, apparently, that message is there. See? I absorbed the awful lies too, without even knowing it until something came up to make me look it in the face. It wasn't my fault they got in there. I never wanted them there. I hate that they're in there. But now that they're in there, every time I see it, I want that sh** kind of thinking out of my head--Do you know what I mean? That stuff is EVERYwhere. Even in those of us who work every day to see it, condemn it, call it out, change it, prevent it... It's still in there. I will keep doing the outer work, and I will keep doing the inner work, and I will be as honest as I can with myself about where my mind is and what my thoughts and beliefs and actions are based on as I do it.


So isn't it scary, or risky, or dangerous, or something, to bring these honest thoughts out into the open? Sure, yeah, I guess. But the deeper we hide these things, the deeper into us they get. And I am tired of that. Tired of hiding and tired of doing the work alone. I am working on it. I am trying, and sometimes I fail, but I am trying again. I am not perfect, and I hate admitting that, because I sure like the feeling (illusion) that I'm perfect, and that I'm right!--it's a white Protestant thing, I think--but I'm not. So, a call for greater awareness, internal, and external. A call to admit our faults, at the very least to ourselves (and ideally to other white friends). Note: I am not advocating for using friends/family/acquaintances/co-workers/neighbors of color as sounding boards for our process, here. If you want to do that, I think you should ask permission first. (See above concept about apologizing and not making someone take care of you, etc.)


We must be vigilant against the messages and actions and patterns and systems of racism and fight them alongside others committed to the fight, and proceed with what we know is true and just.

Thank you to the many teachers and guides and healers in my life, formal and informal, who have helped me understand and who continue to help me See. These insights come with intentional effort on my part and the faith and trust of many others. I hope I am honoring the path you have lit for me.
--
CBF (Carly Frintner)
June 18, 2015

Hola Mi Madre

Hola mi Madre,

Y bienvenidos a mi casa de palabras y amor.

Si, es verdad que soy nueva en su vida,

Y usted tambien es nueva en miyo.

Pero mis sueños son viejos como sus sueños

Y mi alma tambien.

Todos sus esperos

Son niños en el mundo,

Son angeles,

Son ventas...

Y en este ciudad,

La distencia entre usted y nosotros es pequeño

Porque sus benedictiones las vistitan a nosostros

En cada lugar

Cada día

Y espero que crees lo que yo se:

Son siempre sufieciente.

 Usted es siempre sufieciente.

Gracias siempre por las plumas

Que ayuden construir nos alas.

--

(a Lilliam)

CBF

3/3/2015

Snowy Day Reflection

Snowy Day Reflection
--
Snow dusting outside
as so on the inside
When will I stop worrying
if I have said too much?
Snow dusting outside
will give way to wind and blizzard;
What storm in me is forming
whose beginning these flakes touch?

Silver bright skies outside
the air is cold this morning
When will hibernation end,
brain and body stretch anew?
Preparing for that springtime
and with cold still to wait out,
I curl into warm centers
and dream of sunfire when it's through.

And yet this time has purpose,
this discomfort a reminder,
This time of still reflection
is like seeds in frozen ground.
Although they cannot grow yet,
they know the day is coming
when their roots know warmer soil,
when their blossoms will be found.
--
CBF
1/26/15

Advice to Self in the On-Going Work for Peace and Social Justice

Advice to Self in the On-Going Work for Peace and Social Justice

Do not ask,

“Am I enough?”

Instead claim that you are,

Believe that you are,

And live up to all that means.

Do not ask,

“Am I strong enough?”

Know you are strong enough and you will be given strength for the journey

There will be times when you feel you can’t go on,

There will be times when you have used every last resource;

Trust that you will be given strength anew,

To do things you never thought possible,

In the name of an ever-higher power,

And in the name of an ever-higher Love.

Do not ask,

“Am I good enough?”

For to ask this is to ask the same of anyone,

And I Know that we were all born good,

And that we all do the Best We Can,

Every minute of every day,

Even if we are not living up to our own expectations for ourselves, our families, our loved ones, our friends,

We know we can always do better,

And we must accept that we are STILL deeply, truly Good,

And speak from that goodness

And think in that goodness

And breathe from that goodness

And live in that goodness,

And we will BE that goodness,

And we will not worry anymore.

Do not ask,
“Will we ever win?”

For our fight shows we have already won.

Our commitment shows that our hope is alive,

Our dream is alive.

Our knowing that a better society, a better government, a better world, a better way IS possible, and that we are bringing it into being even now, our knowing means that any who try to snuff out our light, have already lost, and we cannot and will not turn back now, for we’ve come this far by faith.  And by faith in our vision, and in each other, we shall continue all the way to the realization of our dream.  To work for the dream, is the dream being realized, right here, right now.

Do not ask,
“Can I bear this burden?”

For nothing is heavy when others hold it with you,

And this is a burden you have never born alone and shall never bear alone.

Even as you felt alone, and you felt the weight of your struggle might suffocate you, might press all the air from your lungs, might squeeze the life from your very heart, others were bearing this load, too, others were in this struggle too.

Rejoice when you find one another at last, for though you did not know it before, their struggle held your struggle, their carrying worked at the same time as your carrying, and the load is lighter, the burden is lifted by many hands.  And these hands are here to free you, and yours are here to free them, and together we will breathe again, together we can bear any burden, together we have breath enough to sing as we carry it, and even to carry it as we march.

Do not ask,
“What of the tarnished past?”

For we all bear scars.  We all have done things of which we are not proud.  We all have hurt and been hurt by others.  We all have struggled.  We all have striven and fallen, and striven again.  Let us rejoice that we have survived our many deep wounds.  Let us know we are capable of healing any wrong.  Let us forgive ourselves and others so we may be free of all our chains.  Let us treasure the lessons our pain has taught us, and let go of the pain itself.  Let us be proud and grateful that we have survived to see this day and all our precious tomorrows.  Let us know and love the gift of life, and let that love of life drive us in our work evermore.

Do not ask,
“Am I too angry?”

Your anger is a fire of transformation that lights up the sky, that signals to others to circle ‘round, that warms those who have been frozen and lost, that burns a path before you through the impenetrable thicket so that you may walk, and lead.

Remember flowers and the Phoenix rise up from the ash.

Your anger can build, and it can destroy.  It can open caverns into the human heart and mind, as a volcano, as an earthquake, bearing forth that which was buried long ago.

Your anger is right, and righteous, but it is not all of you.  You are the master of your mind.

Do not listen to those who say you are too angry, for they work to keep the truth hidden.  It is likely you have never freely and openly been angry ENOUGH.  Find safe spaces to let yourself rage with the heart of a hurricane, and come to know that power.

Know the power of this emotion, and know the power of all emotions.  Too often, anger is equated with violence.  We will not let this fallacy continue.  We have every reason to be angry, and we have every reason to use that anger as we work and act in diligence for peace.

Do not ask,
“Do I know enough to participate?”

You have lived all this time, participating in life the way you have because of what you know.

Everything you need to know to begin upon this path, you know already, inside your heart, your mind, your body, your soul.  You have a lifetime of experiences, of observations, of hopes and dreams fulfilled and unfulfilled.  You have education from every situation you have been in, and every person you have encountered.

You may still have work to do, but do not let that “to do” list keep you from starting.  Believe that you know enough, and that what you need to clarify, research, or discern, you will do as you need to, along the way.  The mind is flexible, expansive.  We hold wisdom in every cell of our being, and that is enough for us to wake up every day.  It is enough to awaken at any moment.  There are no limits.  In fact, you are on the path already.  You have already begun.
--
CBF
1/20/2015

Choices in the Forest

Jagged is

that daily reminder:

A tongue among fortresses,

a soul among songs,

That day we deliver

the bread of the lonely

to the hide of an animal

slain for her bones.

And deep in enchantment,

waits a forest of strangers

whose lives are a pinnacle

of grace of the moon.

We hinder the helpless

when helplessness beckons us;

We’re tinder for fires

whose spark ignites soon.

So walk this gray gravelly

path I have lain here

in tides of fair weather

outside the monsoons.

For deep from the ashes

of memories of mothers,

my father’s voice begs me

the cross for the spoon

As though a tall trader

with wagons a-covered

could promise me gifts,

the deal in my veins.

He’d tell me his riches

were worth more than eyeballs,

that seeing takes courage,

that deciding takes brains.

But this is a choice

that has met with resistance,

though obvious seems

the matter of fate.

With skin at the ready,

and knife blades to summon,

The call can be made

for too little, too late.

I once read a story

of men who imprison

and those who choose freedom,

who break open the shells.

There are those who choose bloodshed

and those who choose peace,

and their hearts are unlimited

as the great ocean’s swells

Plunge to her depths then,

and you’ll find more than water,

but life that teems shining

in tentacles, scales.

And if you can feel more than see in this world

Then the trader is right

when your gold
hits his scale.

CBF

--

Dec. 28, 2014

RC

RC
Gather all the things
you have decided not to feel;
Give them to
Yourself
as a gift
to be opened
One
by
One.
--
CBF
1/8/2014